I'm strange. And leaving for the jungles.

"I actually don't have any interest in seeing the temple" I said to anita, katerina, and felicity. Which was too bad because we were already there.

We got there at 1:00 yesterday after carefully not reading what was clearly written in the guidebook: "the temple is closed daily at 1:00 and opens again at 3:30." They all decided to wait the two and a half hours, and then I turned to them and said, "I actually don't have any interest in seeing the temple."

Which is too bad, because I am interested. Only not just then. Just then my only goal - as has been my goal for the past two days- is to not be around people. Which is a change. Because the first month I wanted people around constantly. To fight off the loneliness and make the unfamiliar feel manageable.

But I can't get the image of the woman with her scalp missing out of my head. And I'm not sleeping well. Or eating well (just eating a lot. salt then sugar. sugar then salt) and I told anita I was leaving, and they looked at me strangely and I got up and left. And as soon as I was gone I breathed a deep breath and caught a taxi to the metro and from the metro wandered the streets, feeling only comfortable around strangers. I don't know why

I don't know why.

I'm acting very strange. Or maybe more like myself. The introvert that I secretly am. When I was in college and SueLynn was in the room I often would pretend that I was an invisible vapor creeping along the walls. And when I was in that mood she would always let me be - which makes her, once again, the world's greatest roommate. I know it's strange. Sometimes I just want to be invisible. Except with Poki. I always wanted him to see me. And I tried so hard I misunderstood that he was seeing me. all the time. And that was also part of the problem. But a different problem than what I want to talk about.

So I have been creeping around the courtyard, staying close to the walls. Hoping no one sees me except complete strangers who won't expect anything from me and ask me how I'm doing, because I'm exhausted and I don't want to talk about it.

So I sat on a bench and drank tea with the West Bengali's and felt better. And the man told me that Darjeeling will be so cold, and some rooms will have no heat, so I will have to take rum with me to stay warm. And I think that's a really good idea.

And I took the morning to myself to listen to music and watch the moth on the wall and write random sentences on scraps of paper. Which makes me feel better. always. And now I will go paint pink elephants on the wall.

And tomorrow I will go to the jungles by taxi, bus, and boat. And Anita, Steffi and I drank all the rum and made up songs on the guitar, "Sunderbans, sunderbans, we're going to the sunderbans..." and we will see tigers and birds and crocodiles and mangrove forests quiet air with blue and green and then maybe I can get that picture of the woman's scalp out of my head. Where it doesn't belong.

Be back Wednesday